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copyright1983 "The Great Secession"
(PARK RANGER shoos the last people out the gate, then turns off the lights.)
TOM: FInally. I thought they'd never leave!
GEORGE: Man, it's been a long day.
ABE: Could be worse. Could be raining.
TOM: Get us updated, Ted.
(TED turns on his Google Glass, starts reading Twitter.)
TED: Voter purges in Georgia, hurricanes in Florida, Trump holding rallies, dissent everywhere...yep, not much has changed.
TOM: (mumbles) Why do I have to share the title of President with that idiot?
GEORGE: You know, Abe, I've been thinking.
ABE: About what?
GEORGE: Maybe you should've just let the South secede.
(All pause.)
ABE: Come again?
GEORGE: Just let them go. It wasn't worth it.
ABE: But the Union--
GEORGE: Yes, they were part of America. But you said it yourself: "A house divided against itself cannot stand." And the divisions were too deep.
ABE: How so?
GEORGE: We wrote it into the Declaration, didn't we, Tom? "All men are created equal."
TOM: Wrote it, sure. Didn't always live by it, though.
GEORGE: Maybe not. But we sure believed it.
TED: Did you, though?
GEORGE, TOM, AND ABE: SHUT UP, TEDDY!
TED: Sorry.
GEORGE: Anyway, it was clear even then that some people were just never going to accept that as an inalienable truth. And I don't care how great a debater you were--
ABE: Have you READ those debates?
TOM: Yes. We've got nothing but time on our hands.
GEORGE: --you were never going to convince them. And neither was any amount of bloodshed.
ABE: So what would I do instead? Just...accept them?
GEORGE: Yes! They came to you with a fully-fleshed out Constitution, didn't they?
ABE: Yes, but by the laws of the land--
GEORGE: Laws, schmaws. Just say, "You know what, that looks pretty good. Welcome to the world, neighbor."
TOM: Could they have lived as neighbors, though? I'm not sure I would've wanted to live so close to the border.
GEORGE: So work out some treaties. Mutual defense, trade, border security...
TED: Build that wall!
GEORGE, TOM, AND ABE: SHUT UP, TEDDY!
TED: Sorry.
GEORGE: ...and recognize that even though you can no longer be united, you can still be allied states.
ABE: ...Would it have worked, though?
GEORGE: Who knows? It'd be a damn sight better than what we've got now.
ABE: There probably would've been a war eventually.
TOM: Perhaps. The Union would still have won, though.
GEORGE: And maybe America wouldn't have become the global force that it turned into.
TOM: Maybe that wouldn't have been a bad thing.
ABE: Maybe the Germans would've won the war.
GEORGE: Maybe there wouldn't have BEEN a war.
ABE: Maybe we wouldn't even be here, right now.
TED: Well, I sure would be. Don't know about you guys.
GEORGE, TOM, AND ABE: SHUT UP, TEDDY!
(PARK RANGER shoos the last people out the gate, then turns off the lights.)
TOM: FInally. I thought they'd never leave!
GEORGE: Man, it's been a long day.
ABE: Could be worse. Could be raining.
TOM: Get us updated, Ted.
(TED turns on his Google Glass, starts reading Twitter.)
TED: Voter purges in Georgia, hurricanes in Florida, Trump holding rallies, dissent everywhere...yep, not much has changed.
TOM: (mumbles) Why do I have to share the title of President with that idiot?
GEORGE: You know, Abe, I've been thinking.
ABE: About what?
GEORGE: Maybe you should've just let the South secede.
(All pause.)
ABE: Come again?
GEORGE: Just let them go. It wasn't worth it.
ABE: But the Union--
GEORGE: Yes, they were part of America. But you said it yourself: "A house divided against itself cannot stand." And the divisions were too deep.
ABE: How so?
GEORGE: We wrote it into the Declaration, didn't we, Tom? "All men are created equal."
TOM: Wrote it, sure. Didn't always live by it, though.
GEORGE: Maybe not. But we sure believed it.
TED: Did you, though?
GEORGE, TOM, AND ABE: SHUT UP, TEDDY!
TED: Sorry.
GEORGE: Anyway, it was clear even then that some people were just never going to accept that as an inalienable truth. And I don't care how great a debater you were--
ABE: Have you READ those debates?
TOM: Yes. We've got nothing but time on our hands.
GEORGE: --you were never going to convince them. And neither was any amount of bloodshed.
ABE: So what would I do instead? Just...accept them?
GEORGE: Yes! They came to you with a fully-fleshed out Constitution, didn't they?
ABE: Yes, but by the laws of the land--
GEORGE: Laws, schmaws. Just say, "You know what, that looks pretty good. Welcome to the world, neighbor."
TOM: Could they have lived as neighbors, though? I'm not sure I would've wanted to live so close to the border.
GEORGE: So work out some treaties. Mutual defense, trade, border security...
TED: Build that wall!
GEORGE, TOM, AND ABE: SHUT UP, TEDDY!
TED: Sorry.
GEORGE: ...and recognize that even though you can no longer be united, you can still be allied states.
ABE: ...Would it have worked, though?
GEORGE: Who knows? It'd be a damn sight better than what we've got now.
ABE: There probably would've been a war eventually.
TOM: Perhaps. The Union would still have won, though.
GEORGE: And maybe America wouldn't have become the global force that it turned into.
TOM: Maybe that wouldn't have been a bad thing.
ABE: Maybe the Germans would've won the war.
GEORGE: Maybe there wouldn't have BEEN a war.
ABE: Maybe we wouldn't even be here, right now.
TED: Well, I sure would be. Don't know about you guys.
GEORGE, TOM, AND ABE: SHUT UP, TEDDY!
